As a human being, an afflicted soul, and a simple figure, I need an outlet for self expression. While no other eyes may gaze upon these words, this could be a therapeutic method for me. Until I can sustain a healthy mental state, these words will be all I have. The details of my life will be entailed through these words. Painful, hurtful, surprising they may be, but I need to do this. Clarity...that's what this is about. There are places I need to be and I can't get there if I can't have at least a singular outlet.
My life is (and apparently has been) as a lucky motel. Frequent visitors...some who stay for a while, some who don't stay too long. Some who come and go without care and others who won't leave. My motel has stained sheets, dirty walls, horrid secrets, creaking floors, a haunted past, but a light that begs to shine. My motel is waiting for a visitor(s) that can change the motel from lucky to desired. I believe luck has it's filthy side of unluck and that's what I'm faced with now.
The fact of the matter is, these are some of my darkest days. A past that won't leave me alone...loveless ambitions...nowhere to go. If rockbottom could be found on a map, I would indeed be it's capitol. I fear for myself often. I have never had as demeaning of an outlook on my life as I do in these deviled days of mine. Fits of uncontrollable anger now are beginning to plague me and the fact of the matter is that I am obviously falling out of control. When will I gain control...I wish I could ask "When will I gain control again?" but the fact of the matter is that for 21 years of this life, I have never been in control...it's a desire, a need, and a want that could turn this life around.
If I had to give myself a diagnosis, I would say I am suffering from depression with mild anxiety and mild agoraphobia. What a change from what I was headed for...but all along I guess I knew what I was headed for...
